Let's Start A Riot

>.< !

2010-04-23T02:56:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of posers in this world.

I'm just a girl, whose trying to sort through them all, and finding herself on the way.

Making friends, losing friends, and becoming inseparable.
All of the upsets, the memories, and heartache that this life throws at me.

I'm honestly not ready for it. But, with the ones by my side, that'll always be, by my side...
I know I can get through it.

I wont go down by myself, but I'll go down with my friends.

TAKE THAT!

2010-04-22T13:21:00.000-04:00

SUCK MY HOCKEY STICK, BRUINS HATERS!

Go ahead, suck it. Because you guys must feel like assholes.
But, I'd like to thank you at the same time, for fueling them to be better.
Thank you, haters, for making my Bruins BETTER.

I bleed black and gold. Forever. For always.

The Cup is OURS. It will be OURS.

Only if.

2010-04-19T01:51:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel like if I open my mouth I'll start speaking nonsense, I'll start admitting things that no one should know. I only wish for everyone to know my secrets, for everyone to know all the monsters that tear within my insides, crawling out wishing to escape. Maybe if they knew, the would understand, maybe they would care. Those day, when I feel like I can't contain anything inside me, I sleep. I sleep to escape into a thoughtless world where he loves me, where she is still my best friend. I wish to scream to the world, out my window, in the parking lot,. I wish to scream, "I am here and I am not alone." But some days that is all I fear. I fear of being alone, I fear for never finding someone to stay around and appreciate every once of my being, I fear for never finding love. I just wish I could get something right, just once. I wish I could leave this city and live in a small cabin in the woods with the one I love. No problems, no money issues, no work, just love. holding us together like the trees that will surround us.

RAWR.

2010-04-18T17:01:00.002-04:00

I hate my blogger layout.

It neeeeeds to change.

From her, to me.

2010-04-17T01:32:00.000-04:00

Hey my BFFF,
How's my guardian angel? I bet she's not so frickin bored as I am! I just want to say you are the best thing that has ever happened to me (?) You have always been there for me, and I know you always will be. I have never had a best friend as great as you, I mean it. Even better than my best friend (well, used to be) Sarah, we knew eachother since we were babies. She ditched me for a girl named Holly. You know the one who's mom and her BF slept together (eww) when I went over for a sleepover, ya, they became close friends in a few weeks and she ditched me for her. IHAVE YOU! and that makes me so happy!
You know what? Kimmy may have the power and the popularity now, but she wont have lasting friends, unlike us, who will be best friends forever. Member when we're older, we'll get a apartment together and we'll be in a KILLER rock/punk band, we'll have a dog (panic) a cat, and a bunny, and we'll be living the dream, while she'll be living a fake life and living "like such a good christian" with not one best friend. She has all the money and ass the thinks she wants, but she doesn't have a best friend like YOU! And I wouldn't trade that for the world! (This totally sounds stupid, but it's true.)
I'm happy/sad for school to end. I'm happy cuz I won't have the stress about homework and NO KIMMY! YEAY! But I'm sad cuz I'll miss all my friends, you the MOST! We have to hang out a lot this summer! Like, every week, that would be so cool!
I can't wait until your birthday party, It's gonna be so cool! I wouldn't miss it for anything, not even a date with Brendon!
You've always been there for me, and you always will, so I want you to know that I'll always, always, always be there for you no matter what.
You can tell me anything, and you don't have to be afraid to tell me anything. I'll be there for you through everything.

"I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all. Even if saving you sends me to heaven!"

I love you!
Your best friend,
Rebecca.

[[Becca, my love. I would have kept my promise. I would have. But you parents changed that. If I was allowed to contact you, I would. I tried when I wasn't allowed to. But your parents answered the phone so I hung up. Couldn't send emails to you anymore, you parents blocked me. You will always be my best friend. You knew everything about my life, and about my dreams, because we shared some of the same things. I wish I could tell you how I felt when you parents did that. They blamed me for everything. EVERYTHING. I miss you, and I love you, and I hope you're life is better. and I hope you remember me, because not a day goes by that I don't think of you, and all the times I needed to talk to you. but never could. I miss you.]] <3

and I'll take you for who you are.

2010-04-11T23:26:00.001-04:00

if you take me for everything.

Can I...

2010-04-11T20:05:00.000-04:00

...be completely honest with you?

I'm not sure if I know what I'm doing anymore in this thing called life.

I realized that in one of my other posts that I said I would rant later...
...and I will. When I get in order exactly what everything in my brain is.

Your Decision.

2010-04-11T18:44:00.001-04:00

I actually CAN'T believe I'm going to see Alice In Chains in concert :D
First concert being Tool, and my second is gonna be Alice In Chains!?

Holy crap.

Thursday. Will be the second greatest day of my LIFE... so far.
Oh, and from Today, until Thursday... I'm listening to nothing BUT Alice In Chains :)

I wear myself too thin.

2010-04-10T20:35:00.001-04:00

If I spend just one
Just one more night
Being mediocre
Just one more night
Just one more night
Then I'll scream at the top of my lungs
Just one more night
Just one more night
Being mediocre
Just one more night
Just one more night
Then I'll scream at the top of my lungs
But it falls on deaf ears

I wear myself too thin
Can't help myself this time
I'm on the outside looking in
Can't see my self this time

Don't wanna go
Don't wanna go
Don't wanna drive back home
There's nothing left for me
It's 1 AM
It's 2 AM
It's 4 in the morning

I was thinking.

2010-04-08T08:45:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about an all girl band, and thought of who, from bands today would be in it.
Here's what I came up with.

Hayley Williams (of Paramore) -Vocals
LynZ Way (of Mindless Self Indulgence) -Bass
Jen Ledger (of Skillet) -Drums

and I haven't come up with a guitarists yet....

Uhm.

2010-04-05T16:13:00.000-04:00

I just thought about my life. and the difference from 5 years ago.
5 years ago, I was a cutter. a cutter that didn't think anyone wanted her in life and that no one really cared if she lived or died, because she thought that no one would miss her. Depressed. Anti-social. Not sure about life, but was terrified of death.

yeah. that's the first time I could explain it laymen's terms.

Not sure about life, but was terrified of death.

That scares me.

Take what you can, change the seasons.

2010-04-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

I usually like all seasons.
I think them all for different reasons, and I could never make up my mind on which one I liked more then the others. I usually didn't like summer though, because I'm not a fan of swimming, and I'm no a fan of swimsuits. I usually wear shorts and a shirt when I go swimming, because I'm so self-conscious of my body. Every one thinks I'm skinny. I've gained some weight, and it's starting to show. I really need to get in shape, and exercise on a daily basis. I hate the way I look, and I hate my body. But I usually don't let people know that. I don't wear shorts, like, at all, because I hate my legs, because, like I said, I've gained weight.

Goal: Get healthy. Get fit. Get some self confidence.

can I do it?

Dull Boy - Mudvayne

2010-04-03T00:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not the reason
Its not my fault
Its not my problem
I'm not the cause

I'm not your scapegoat
I'm not your god
I'm not your martyr
I'd leave you all

I don't know about you, but

2010-03-30T23:04:00.000-04:00

...I am sick of a lot of things.
I'll rant later, though.
I'm beyond tired right now.

Time for bed. So long, and goodnight.

ohhhhblahh.

2010-03-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

I'm every emotion possible right now.
This sucks.
I need a vacation.
the end.

Pulse Of The Maggots.

2010-03-29T21:55:00.001-04:00

This is the year where hope fails you
The test subjects runs the experiments
And the bastard you know, is the hero you hate
But cohesing is possible if we try
Theres no reason, theres no lesson
No time like the present, I'm telling you right now
What have you got to lose, what have you got to lose
Except your soul... who's with us?!

I fight for the unconventional
My right, and its unconditional
I can only, be as real as I can
The disadvantage is
I never knew the plan
This isn't just the way to be a martyr
I can't, walk alone any longer
I fight, for the ones who can't fight
And if I lose, at least I tried

We-we are the new diabolic
We-we are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life you can have it
We-we are the pulse of the maggots

I won't-be the inconsequential
I won't-be the wasted potential
I can make it-as severe as I can
Until you realize
You'll never take a stand
It isn't, just a one-sided version
We've dealt, with a manic subversion
I won't, let the truth be perverted And I won't leave another victim deserted

We-we are the new diabolic
We-we are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life you can have it
We-we are the pulse of the maggots

Do you understand? (yes)(x4)

Say it again say it again (we won't die) (x8)

We fight until no one can fight us
We live, and no one can stop us
We pull when we're pushed too far
And the advantage is
The bottom line is
We never, had to fight in the first place
We only, had to spit back at their face
We won't, walk alone any longer
What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger

We-we are the new diabolic
We-we are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life you can have it
We-we are the pulse of the maggots

Do you understand (yes)(x4)

Say it again say it again (we won't die)(x4)

"Pulse Of The Maggots" - Slipknot

all time low.

2010-03-28T22:29:00.002-04:00

stay awake
get a grip and get out your state
from the weight of the world just take
a second to set things straight
i'll be fine
even though i'm not always right
i can count on the sun to shine
the dedication takes a lifetime
but dreams only last for a night

Relient K

2010-03-25T23:52:00.000-04:00

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

and...

2010-03-23T14:44:00.000-04:00

I thought Transfomers gummy vitamins would help.

they don't.

but they make me smile :)

sick an tired

2010-03-23T14:41:00.002-04:00

of being sick... and tired.

I can't recall the last time I was THIS sick.

and new symptoms, headaches, and dizziness.

I'm kinda scared =/ but I'm staying positive.

nap time; write more later.

2010-03-22T16:56:00.002-04:00

Yeah, outside this state.

outside this country.

there's only 2 place's Id rather be.

Boston. Or Canada.

and I won't settle for anything else.

"Concuss THAT!"

2010-03-20T22:43:00.002-04:00

^^oh Jack Edwards, you make me laugh :)

Today, was a pretty cool day.

I didn't feel good at all. I have a sinus headache/cold on top of a regular cold. which sucks major freaking ass. But, I went out shopping with my mom, wear she decided she was going to spend 30 minutes trying things on. After that torture, we walked around Walmart getting stuff that we needed and I told her that I should get vitamins, and so I did. BUT not just any vitamins... TRANSFORMERS vitamins. I feel like I am so much damn cooler now :)

That would be the highlight of the day. We got home and my uncle Neil, and his kids, Maddy and Jacob, were there. I love them two kids :) played pass with Neil and Jacob, then watched Snow White with the kids, and then around 10:15pm, the left after being here for like 6 hours.

All in all, today was awesome.

As of now. I feel like total crap, and I am wicked sick, therefore I am going to bed.

So long and goodnight.

Jesus of Suburbia.

2010-03-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me .

Blanket of Fear.

2010-03-18T16:53:00.001-04:00

"So hold on to your dreams,

Because your nightmares might seem like they're your reality."

if..

2010-03-17T18:39:00.004-04:00

if 'hate' rhymes with 'isolate'

is there a connection,

between the two?

and 'isolate' rhymes with 'appreciate'.

as well does 'hate'.

if two words rhyme, are they alike?

and can they survive without one another,

or fail, like a tire without the bike?

"You are just talking Nonsense" it's all just nonsense people say...

"it doesn't make any sense, at all. not an ounce."

"but you can't spell 'nonsense' without 'sense'.

you see?

but still no one believes me.

or believes IN me.

Maybe it IS nonsense, but in that sense,

it could make sense...

to me.

Sometimes;

2010-03-17T18:37:00.002-04:00

I'm dreaming about tomorrow,

I'm thinking, of yesterday.

I consume myself, in sorrow.

This moment in time, is what I betray.

I am searching for the answers...

And I look around, sometimes I get sad.

'cause I don't know which way to go.

and I look around, sometimes I get sad,

'cause my life is spinning out of control...

M-80

2010-03-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

I'm strong and fearless
Only 'cause I got rock 'n' roll
I'm knee-deep in our blood
Only 'cause I got rock 'n' roll

Lovehatetragedy

2010-03-17T18:27:00.004-04:00

You better run

For your lives,

Shed a tear,

live in fear.

Schism

2010-03-14T21:59:00.001-04:00

"The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance."

"Schism" -Tool

Scream out loud...

2010-03-09T10:17:00.002-05:00

I want to.

But I'm in class... and I'd get in trouble.

I'm stressed, and overwhelmed.

and I just. want. to. scream...

The Desert Song.

2010-03-07T22:31:00.002-05:00

We hold in our hearts
the sword and the faith
Swelled up from the rain clouds
Move like a wraith
Well after all, we'll lie another day.

And through it all we'll find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid
And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

Well tonight, well tonight will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days rockin' out
Just for the dead
Well tonight,will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime in my head.

Did we all fall down?
From the lights to the pavement
From the van to the floor
From backstage to the doctor
From the earth to the morgue
Morgue.... Morgue.... Morgue.

Well tonight, will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days rockin' out just for the dead
Well tonight, will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down, well after all....

We will make a brand new start

2010-03-05T10:11:00.002-05:00

...From the pieces of our hearts
The break of day is before us

Cast your sorrows to the wind
Let the highway take us in
As we escape the disorder.

("Brand New Start" - Alter Bridge)

I now keep a notebook with me where ever I go.

Just in case my imagination decides to work overtime.

and I'm writing more. like poems and shit :) Keeps me sane.

out of all the colors, in all the sky...

2010-03-03T21:43:00.004-05:00

...the only colors, I want to see, are the colors in your eyes.

Fall into sleep...

2010-02-27T13:57:00.003-05:00

...fall into me

I have a dream

but nobody cares

nobody wants, to listen.

fall into sleep

fall into me

hang on to a dream

that nobody wants

nobody cares, anymore.

"Fall Into Sleep" - Mudvayne.

and it's been awhile...

2010-02-19T23:00:00.002-05:00

since I last wrote.

I've been thinking, and haven't felt like writing. But, I'm back.

Ugh, have you ever been through identity problems? Like, you don't know what, or who you are? Yeah, that's basically what I have been going through. Identity crisis. *stick up middle finger* they're not fun. But I can honestly say that I know now who I am, and what I am. I am Ashlee Bernard. and I will be a musician. and that's final.

There's no doubt in my mind that, that's what I want to be. But sometimes it feels as if there is no one that supports me and thinks that my dreams are, just, dreams and will never become reality. But for some reason, in back of my mind, that keeps telling me that I WILL become my dream. I WILL succeed. I WILL do it. I was born for this. THAT'S what it feels like. THAT'S what I want. and there is no way, anything, or anyone will stop me.

Nothing new.

2010-02-07T22:04:00.003-05:00

Nothing really has happened worth writing about. All I can talk about is the normal things.

-Bruins just snapped their 10 game losing streak and shutout the Habs today :)

-School's going good so far, been doing all my work.

-I hate football, but the Saints just won the SB 31-17 against the Colts.

-Winter Carnival is all this week at school.

-I'm not going the the WC dance. I don't want to.

-I just recently bought a new MCR shirt. it brings my total to five.

-The 2010 Winter Olympics are staring REAL soon. Five Bruins players will be in the Olympics.

-The new MCR CD comes out on March 30th! I am in agony of anticipation.

-I've been getting sick from lack of sleep... which reminds me...

It's 10.10. I have to go to bed... so long, and good night.

maybe it's not my weekend...

2010-02-03T21:49:00.002-05:00

...but it's gonna be my year.

I think I'll apply myself more. I'm smarter then I give myself credit for.

(unintentionally rhyming. my favorite.)

and I quote.

2010-01-31T11:22:00.003-05:00

this is a quote from the book "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, that literally, I was like... "whoa."

(this part, was about the Atom Bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima)

"...for instance, do you know the story about Father on the day they first tested the bomb out at Alamogordo? After the thing went off, after it was a sure thing that America could wipe out a city with just one bomb, a scientist turned to Father and said, 'Science has now known sin.' And do you know what my Father said? He said, 'What is sin?' "

You would have to read the book to understand why he said "What is sin?"

He was helping make the bomb, and wasn't really a nice person.

I just though that was an amazing line.

Transformers...

2010-01-31T02:26:00.001-05:00

...more then meets the eye.

Transformers, robots in disguise.

that. was for Narniaaaaaaa!

If it's not real...

2010-01-30T11:40:00.000-05:00

...You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be.

I'm not okay.

2010-01-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

Fuck this.

I'm literally crying right now because I'm so stressed out.

a condition and it's terminal.

2010-01-28T12:31:00.000-05:00

I need a change in scenery. I'm sick of seeing the same things, day after day, after day.

I see the same people. same things, same attitudes, same personalities. I need a change in society. I need to go somewhere, where no one knows me. where I can be anonymous and just be myself, and discover new things. that's all I'm craving. A change in scenery.

in this water cooler romance.

2010-01-28T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm in school. in study hall.

only a couple minutes left, then to 4th period; English III.

I felt like writing... for no reason at all.

Today is seeming to go by extra slow... I don't like it.

I just want to go home, and rel-- shit.

I have so much homework to do. I can't relax.

I will find a way to, I have to. Anxiety is at a high right now.

Breathing has become a task in itself. I need a day of no stress. no worries.

just me and my ambitions. and maybe a friend or two.

Just think happy thoughts.

2010-01-27T19:50:00.000-05:00

blah blah blah blasphemy.

I don't know anything anymore. everybody seems to be having a good year so far, and me, it's not as good a start as I wanted. my anxiety has gotten out of control to the point where I'm having attacks multiple times a day. and it's horrible. I know how to calm myself down, but what am I supposed to do in class? getting them at school is the worst. because you have to hold back crying and it sucks so fucking bad. I'm dealing. I'm dealing. It's hard. but I'll get through it.

One of the main things on my mind is Becca. I fucking miss her. On the way to school, we go right by her road. I started crying on the bus today because it sucks not having her in my life. Having someone legit taken from your life that meant a lot to you hurt like a bitch. and then having all her problems, ALL her problems, made out as if it was ALL YOUR FAULT. do you know what that does to a kids brain, and functioning? honestly? for the longest time, I did think it was my fault, for everything. recently, I've begun to realize that it wasn't my fault. that NONE of it was my fault. that I was just a person to blame because her parents were too full of themselves to see that it was their fault. the scapegoat. I've given up with trying to prove myself to people. I see no need, since I know what I am capable of. I know what I can achieve and what I can't. I know that I can be my own person and not bothered by the immature labels I might get from people. I don't need to prove myself to anyone, BUT myself.

PS Don't Write.

2010-01-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

I really want to start writing again. Poetry, that is. I felt that whenever I actually wrote a poem, I felt better because it's the only way I know how to get my feelings out, rather then falling back on old habits. I think that everyone has something they can do, and writing was mine. Blogging has helped me a lot, with getting my feelings out. I plan on doing it for a while...

so, poetry, writing, I think I'll start up again.

To whom it concerns:

2010-01-27T17:22:00.000-05:00

I feel as if I've lost something.

I feel as if I've had something taken from me.

beyond the stars, beyond the sky,

beyond forevers, and beyond goodbye.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know if I ever will,

but I don't really like this feeling, at all.

beyond the stars, beyond the sky,

beyond forever, and beyond g o o d b y e.

"diamond rings don’t shine so bright when you know where they come from"

2010-01-25T17:41:00.000-05:00

[[my favorite fucking poet wrote this. F.T. Willz.]]

A poet, a prophet, a motherfucking puppet, a modern-day ____ (fill-in the blank), nature’s ____ (insert noun here).

Show me who you are on the inside…really? Me too. We’re so alike, where did you grow up? NO FUCKING WAY! A small town? That’s so weird; no one ever listens to me either. Wow. What a small world (exclamation point) LOL. We should be friends, what’s your number? Wanna hang out sometime? Are you on Myfriendsmakeoutspace-ster (fuckeachotherfuckeachotherfuckeachother) club? Me too. Wanna fuck? I’m just like you. Can I borrow your car? Live at your house? Eat your pets? Kill your parents? We’re so perfect together, (for each other)…opportunity is knocking do you hear it? BANGBANG. I wrote song about you, it has 25 different parts that don’t belong together. I scream and cry and there’s no melody whatsoever, you’ll love it, listen to it everyday…until all your friends like it too, then you’ll say it sucks and call me a sellout. Do you wanna get matching tattoos, have the same haircut, go steady, and just be friends so we can fuck everyone else who looks just like us, thinks like us, and feels like us too? Fuck, look at me, look at me, right here, right in my fucking eyes. Can you see it? No? Look closer then. How about now? No? Maybe it’s the atrocious lighting in here. Wait let me take a crooked picture with my hair in my face while I cut your name into my thigh. Do you see it now? You don’t see anything? Nothing at all? Are you sure? Positive? Weird, me either, small fucking world huh?
-F.T. WillZ 06

sleep.

2010-01-25T06:10:00.000-05:00

...I need more of it.

'nuff said.

MiseryBusiness.

2010-01-24T18:31:00.000-05:00

This weekend, was... eventfull.

Saturday, me and three friends made plans to go to the bowling alley, and then to sleep over one of my friends houses. Bowling, was epic. I got 91 the first game (in which I tied with my best friend), and 112 the second game (came in second). So many pictures were taken, it was so much fun. I think that we should do it again soon. After bowling, we had time left before my friends mom came and picked us up. So, we mutually decided to cram into the smallest photo booth, at the bowling alley and take pictures. Oh boy. We succeeded, though. and the pictures came out awesome, let me tell you. When we were done, we went outside to where my friends mom was waiting for us, drove to get pizza, and then to my friends house for the night. or so we thought. We got to my friends house, ate, played Wii for an hour, and then played Carnium, for a good hour and a half. We then watched Bruce Almighty :) ha. I love that movie. My friend fell asleep and me and my two other friends decided to color, and watch Mean Girls. After Mean Girls, it was about, 2am, and something happened to my friend. She yawned, and her jaw locked. she couldn't move it... at all. I called her dad, and he was at the house in 20 minutes. I went with her because I was going to her house in the morning. We ended up going to the ER, because, she was in pain. after two fucking hours in the waiting room, the doctor finally came out and brought us to the room. I hated seeing my friend in pain, it was so hard. and I absolutely HATEHATEHATE hospitals. with a passion. but I was there, because I knew how much pain she was in. After they finally got her jaw to unlock, and gave her ice for it... we left. It was 5am. Her dad was nice enough to bring us to Cumbys, which was still open... and we bought ice cream. we ate almost all of the carton of ice cream, watched Lilo and Stitch, and went to bed at around 6am, and didn't wake up until 1pm.

and that was my weekend O.o

TheEnd.

2010-01-22T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm a failure. I'm a complete utter failure. don't try to convince me that I'm not. because it's not going to happen. I try so hard to do what I can in order to succeed, but in the end, I'm still a failure. Yeah, I know, I slacked off in the beginning, and it was too late probably, for me to turn it all around. I don't know what's wrong with me. what the fuck is wrong with me? I always do this. I fuck off in the beginning of the year, not doing homework, not passing anything in, and then I get so deep into the messed up shit, that I can't get myself out of the hole that I put myself in. I always tell myself that, this year will be different, this year I am going to try my hardest. but yet, it never happens. I do the same things over and over again, and expect a different outcome. isn't there a word for that...? oh yeah, INSANITY. I need to get things figured out. if that means less internet, so be it. I need to figure out my life, and the path that I'm going on because, where I am now... it doesn't look like that I'm going to graduate at the time that I'm supposed to. and that scares the living shit out of me.

AllThatI'veGot.

2010-01-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

TheUsed. "All That I've Got"

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
Yeah, It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

...it's how I feel.

EscapeTheInevitable

2010-01-19T01:49:00.000-05:00

It's 1:50am. I have to get up at 5:30am, and I have finals today. I can't focus on anything right now... except one thing. my best friend from seventh grade. boy, do I miss her insanely a lot. there are no words that can describe how much I miss her. it's inevitable. I've never missed her like this before. there's so much pain in my heart at the moment, it won't go away. I've cried more in the past 2 hours, then I have in the past 2 months. I don't think I can cry anymore, although I know I probably will. my head hurts from crying so much. It was an all of the sudden thing. kind of. I miss and love her so much. we went through hell together, and caused some on the way. until her parents decided that they were going to blame me for everything that was wrong with there daughter instead of taking the fucking blame for it themselves. it wasn't my fault. it wasn't. how was taking your daughter away from her best friend, a solution to her "problems"? hell, it probably caused more bad shit, then good. ha. I bet it did. thank you, for ruining my life, becca's parents. I owe you a thank you... and you owe me, an apology.

Heather Dostie. I fucking love you. don't ever leave me. and you need to promise me that whatever happens to us, to our friendship, if you move, if I move, that we will always stay in contact. no matter what. I can't afford to lose you. nor do I ever want to... having one best friend taken from me was hard enough. but two? I would be worthless, and hopeless. promise me that you will never leave me. and I will never leave you. you mean too much to me.... i love you.

ToTheEnd.

2010-01-17T20:24:00.000-05:00

I miss you.

Rebecca McFarland.

You will never understand, how much losing you hurt me. I can't even think about you without my eyes watering, because that's how much I miss you.

Everyone knew that we were best friends, forever. That was easy to see. but what they couldn't see was the pain, and heartache that was twisted into our friendship. the disapproval of it. They couldn't see that. and that's why no one will ever know what we went through to be the friends that we were, that we are. You parents didn't like me... because, in there eyes, I was the bad example. They blamed everything on me. That was the hardest thing ever. being told that my best friend wanted to take her own life, and I made her that way. I know it wasn't my fault, you told me and assured me that it wasn't. Our friendship went through a lot. WE went through a lot. some of the things we got through, other things just never went away. A lot of people come up to me and say that they saw you places, and all I can think is... "wow. home come no matter what, I've never seen you? anywhere... but magically everyone has?" that's what hits me the most. In my heart, I feel as if I'll never see you again, that you are just a memory of what was, and what will never be again. you were my best friend, no. you were my other half. so many good time together, and great memories. I still have all the letters you sent me. every single one of them. I tried reading them one day... I couldn't stop crying. I can no longer listen to Panic! I can, but every single time I hear Brendon's voice, I automatically think of you. I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I hope I do... I want nothing else then to see you again, my best friend. The promise we made each other? Remember that? Forever and always, no matter what? I will always keep that promise. No matter what. even if we never see each other again. you, becca, will always be, above the rest.

"I will never let you fall. I'll stand up with you forever. I'll be there for you through it all. Even if saving you sends me to heaven."

I miss you. I love you.

I'mNotOkay.

2010-01-17T13:29:00.000-05:00

Why do parents insist on fighting? like seriously? and they fight over the stupidest things, and then that leads to bigger things, and then all hell breaks loose. Yelling doesn't solve shit, so why do it? and the worst part is, when one leaves the room, the other one asks "do I have a point?" Yeah, like I am totally gonna side with one person on this. Fuck that. That just creates more drama. So, I respond with "It's both your fault, and I'm not taking anyones fucking side." Hows that parents? So now, I'm spending the whole rest of the day in my room because I am sick and tired of the worthless fighting.

thankyouforthevenom.

ThreeCheers.

2010-01-16T21:59:00.000-05:00

I made a resolution to begin blogging daily.

and this is my way of doing so.

I'm interesting, ask anyone.

So, my blogs, you can bet will be as equally as interesting.